It's Not Polite to Stare?

So, I had a very uncomfortable moment yesterday at the taco place. I was standing in line, a long line as the pace is new and people are in the "it's new, whoopie!" stage. I am in line with my 3 year old in my arms. I look ahead and there is a little person in front of us. I used to say midget with no malicious intents but was told it was derogatory. Theres a 70 people in the place and of course I have to be put in the perfect storm situation. Anyway, there's a little person and this guy is super happy to be at this new taco place and he wants to let me know. He starts talking to me. Immediately my daughters eyes lock on this guy and I mean LOCK. It becomes even more comfortable than it was when it was just me and him. I'm six two, so I am already in the taller bracket. I'm leaning down like Santa Claus asking a child what he wants for Christmas. Now I have to come up with things to keep my daughter distracted and to break her bionic stare. Then, then, she says "look daddy, baby man". What do you do?! My heart sank and and my stomach knotted up. "He's funny" she says. I am coughing and laughing uncomfortably. The guy didn't comment, but heard it as clear as day. That could have been like the sixth time that day that guy has had a similar situation. Luckily the excitement of the new taco place had the little man distracted enough to not hear half of my daughter's observations. (Bill Cosby voice) Kids say the darndest things.  

Drive Thru Please

Today I got behind the happy/chatty lady at the bank. This is the house slipper, family reunion commemorative shirt from 89 wearing hermit. I only noticed the details cause I had to stare at her for the 15 minutes it took for her to move along. She was sooo happy to be one on one with the teller. Everything was funny and everything needed a detailed explanation. This woman has never and will never check anything on line. I would wager she doesn't have a computer and if she does its as big as a room and hasn't been fired up since she first tried unsuccessfully to find the on switch. The teller had no choice but to politely smile and go over everything at least three times. I cleared my throat and let out a deep sigh at least 3 times. The teller even gave me the "what can I do?" look. It was the luck of the draw like always. I went to the little table to merely sign my check and the little troll lady slid in. I knew it when I saw it happen that I was screwed. So, I slowly walked up to the velvet rope only to stand there and witness this theft of my life clock! I couldn't even pass the time with my IPhone cause I was so put out by the whole thing. I am all for a friendly old fashion bit of conversation, but...you know what, no I'm not, it's the freakin' bank!

Strike Three

I went to a baseball game on Wednesday. The weather was perfect and I went with a couple of old friends. We met a little pub and had a few beers and everything was going great. We decided to buy tickets at the game and just see what happens. We all thought it would be hilarious to get some seats in "all you can eat" section. I had no idea this sort of thing existed. We were curious as to how insane this concept would really be. It was so bad. It was a depressing and sad place. It was like the feeling you get at strip club after about ten minutes. There was this buffet bar with 8 tons of nacho chips, 4 big tubs of cheese, hot dogs in a steam bath, and condiments. It really was like the land that time forgot. This is the place where concession food goes to die slow and senseless death. To make matters worse, periodicall, stadium employees would swing into line and fill up on some stale buns and congealed cheese.It takes a special person to go to and "all you can eat" anything. We were there for half an inning before we all looked at each other and said "let's get the hell out of here!" Luckily we got a hook up through my friend and spent the rest of the game in the luxury box behind home plate. It took a while to wash the all you can eat vibe off of us...but the free beer didn't hurt. (until the next day) You get what you pay for or don't pay for.

Just Me and Him

There was a young guy driving down the street in a, I'm guessing, 90's model convertible Mustang. He was jamming some Eminem. I would only hope his new album, but I wouldn't know what songs were on what album much less really any of his songs. But I would recognize his distinct whine. The time was about 8:15 in the morning. You might wonder why in the hell I would be up at 8 for anything. That is my life as I currently know it. Now I could certainly take a nap, but this way off my point. Anyway, so this cool, sunglass wearing dude was jamming him some Eminem (did I mention the time?). He had it super loud and it was doing the best it could coming from his Kraco system. This all took place at a residential intersection and it was literally he and I and no one else. Well, I was walking my dog Ella, so she was there. He's bobbing his head back in forth in an attempt to make me believe it was cool or to prove to himself it was cool. That's the only thing I can guess. He wanted me to believe that what was going down was happening, ya know, happening. I even looked around to see if there was a few ladies off in the distance or a couple of gang members he was trying to impress. If this guy was a gang member it would have been in, like, the Falcons or the Snakes, not a real gang, something he carried over from elementary school. Anyway, I was not converted. He looked like a complete idiot and no volume, no head bobbing or bad haircut could make me think otherwise. It was our moment. Sadly, I am sure he will never remember it and I am forever scarred. His name was... What? His name was...what?

Step Up

I really think we have all been punished enough. The 100 plus temperatures have gone on long enough. Somebody here in Dallas must have really done some terrible stuff and we're all suffering for it. Please, please come forward so we can all move on. We are all melting here. Do the right thing, admit what you have done and hopefully your punishment will be a bit lighter than we have all been forced to endure. Yes, you will be alone in your  shame, but at least you are not making others go through the suffering from something they had nothing to do with. If it drops below 110, I'll know you came forward at took it like a?????

Just What I Needed

The "Free WiFi" policy at Starbucks has really opened the flood gates to the bizarro world. It was already pretty freaky at my local coffee shop, but now, boy oh boy oh. The place is starting to resemble the one by my brothers apartment in Manhattan. You know? The one with the three locks on the bathroom and the armed guard. If I'm gonna feel like I'm in the big city, at least give me the tall buildings and the street vendors. Now I merely get the creepy stare and the B.O. I know you can't eject paying customers that are just nuts, but the guy talking to himself and pacing in circles with head of a My Little Pony in one hand and crossword from the 60's in the other who just goes straight to the bathroom...come on. You gotta pay to play. And so now we got people on their computers nursing a cup for 4 hours PLUS Ringling Brothers! Since I am addicted to the ritual, I am totally screwed. I am bad enough with a caffeine buzz but throw in claustrophobia too...look out!

Hulk Drive

I saw this city employee in a white pick up hauling ass up and down my street. It made me think of how stupid someone has to be to buy a used city vehicle, a used cab, a used rent a car, a used delivery truck...you get where I am going? There must be something to driving a vehicle that doesn't belong to you, a certain rage that boils up from the blackest part of your soul when you get behind the wheel of car that you don't have to repair or maintain. I mean this guy was the only city employee I have ever seen in a hurry. My guess, trying to make the breakfast cut off at Grandys. Just a guess. I had a friend that bought a used cab. Not a sweet old Yellow Cab but a turd green Caprice Classic. Anyway, it was a hunk of junk at any price. had he never sat in a cab in New York. It didn't say Dallas cause they are the exception. Its almost a zombie thing here. Anybody that thinks they are getting out of paying for a car whether it be payments or periodic huge repair bills is simply in another world. RRRRR I need to drive somebody elses car right now!!!

A Solution

I could have had my Labrador swim around the gulf for an afternoon and she would have probably absorbed at least a third of the spill. This dog is a freakin hair manufacturing plant. She manufactures quite a bit of something else but theres no need to go there. We just had our house cleaned and I can get out the Swifter and make a nice full length dog hair coat. It really makes me kind of cringe thinking bout people with carpeting cause at least with our wood floors I can see the stuff. Does anyone still have carpeted floors except Dentist offices and your aunt's house? I have been in wood floor homes for so long I don't even think about it. Well, until I started typing this. See, lounge singers have stupid thoughts as much or more than the next guy. Time to get out the Flowbie and take care of this dog.

Called out

Just got busted at the Nature museum. I was trying to save a few bucks on admission, so I told the lady my daughter was 2...almost 3. My son walks up and says, "Daddy she's 3, she just had a had her birthday, remember?" I gave an uncomfortable chuckle and said, "ha, ha, your birthday  is coming up too right buddy?" I then gave a half grin to the cashier and said "its so hard to keep up with who's who". She didn't even crack a smile. So, I paid the full price. Sadly I even tried to use my zoo pass, that I didn't have with me but asked if she could call in or check on the computer. I guess its no wonder why museums ad the like are having budget problems with guys like me running around. I don't know some situations cheapness just feels right. I should have made my son pay. damn child labor laws. Honesty blows.

Passing the Bar

Ahhh the Houston Airport. I think one of the most challenging things, for anyone, is to bypass the airport bar. It really is the only way to cope with traveling anymore. It really is like a junky passing the heroin shop. Even if its morning, knowing what I will most likely go through, it its damn hard sticking with coffee. Now a days (it grandpa voice) it seems that you should always travel expecting the worst. It has come to the point where it rarely ever goes right. I am always shocked when flights are on time, comfortable, and enjoyable. I have (like many others I'm sure) have literally seen and heard it all. I have been delayed for air conditioners, broken windshields, snow, rain, late crews, crew in danger of overtime so they have to be switched out, you name it! When I was kid people were smoking and so were the stewardesses. You never saw a guy so there was no need in calling anyone a "flight attendant". I ain't saying they have an easy job, but who cares it doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want anyone going through hell, me or employees. And the next time I have to sit between Jabba the Hut and Rosanne, I might just turn around and rent me a nice Seabring.

Down River

I am down in the Port Aransas area today. Just had some crazy good seafood sans 10w-40. The flight down was peppered with clever jokes about the flight attendant that flipped out. Oh, the laughs. I heard that psycho wants his job back. Yea, sure right after they hire back the drunk Northwest pilots. I guy asked me who won the Cowboy game. I said, who cares! Pre season, come on. My ulcer can only handle games that matter. Speaking of games that matter, I'd be a baseball watching fool if they'd dome that ballpark in Arlington. Major, major screw up not put some ac in that place. About June 10th and I am done. If I wanna shvitz, I'll throw on a towel and some flip flops and head to the Korean spa in Garland. But I digress. The coast is nice. It's freakin' hot, but at least there is breeze. The moisture is really screwing up my Flock of Seagulls hair do though. Tonight we are heading to a bar where everyone's tongue looks like its in jail. Cause the lack of teeth, huh? huh? Ahh forget it.

What To Do

I have decided to stay more aware of different/unique things going on around the city. People are always asking if there is anything interesting going on. I usually reply with the standard "I don't think so" or "shut up and up and sit down I am trying to sing". I have started to realize that are a lot of things going on in this city. The problem is, they don't get into my way of thinking. I tend to associate clubs, booze and performances as the only thing worth doing. That really is not true at all. There are a variety of things going on from museums to opera to interesting people speaking at Universities or events for worthwhile causes. I know some people find that to be boring, but I think not factoring that kind of stuff in leaves only limited options. When people say, I didn't go out last week I was trying not to drink or I was trying to save money, my first thought is you really didn't miss much. But I think when you change it up a bit, you just might really miss something. Everyone should look around and be a bit more creative. If you try it and don't like it, booze will always be there! Thank God.

The Hits Keep Coming

Working on getting a music video going for a song of my last album. I am also dealing with a lot of incoming bookings for the fall. August is always strange...kind of slow, but people are looking ahead. This is my first blog and I am boring myself. I hope there are not "cool rules" to this. Maybe I should talk about purchasing a professional sports team or how I am off to be in a film. Guy walks into a of psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran wrap...